break up diaries

Mood: contemplative
Listening to: is this love - bossa n' marley

Day 2:

from the moment of the break up until yesterday morning i would just cry... and i mean bloody cry. until now my eyes are still puffy from the aftershock. i would cry to put myself to sleep, i would cry the first thing i open up my eyes. i cried during the mass while i was praying. i asked my mom to call me so i can cry some more. i remembered the time i came home to my mom crying with a large bump over my forehead, but that pain was more bearable i guess.

for some reason i just wanted to clear things out. i sent him a message telling him that i was really grateful for the gift of him. and that i'm sorry for my shortcomings. that i still loved him and that i'm terribly hurting, but if being with him means i'm going to go through all that pain again.. then i guess it's better this way. he replied with pretty much the same thing. and then i called him simply to just cry...

day 3:

you know that stage in the recovery phase where you'd do anything just to get that person back? is that called desperation? well i wanted answers to the questions that are left hanging in my head and honestly a part of me wanted him back.

the morning of day 3, i asked if he wanted to meet up to talk. he agreed. i brought with me the things he left with me. a really interesting book (that i haven't finished yet) and a dvd. when i was in his arms i just gave in and cried once more. i'm not crying because i wanted pity, i'm not using it to get him back either. it's just merely a non-verbal expression of how i feel, they're not fake either.

we just laid there just silent in each others arm, and me just "leaking in the face" (-ant bully).. we talked... about us... about what happend. i just needed an explanation why that happened. and well.. he didn't know why. and that explains a lot. i guess he just got tired. like i thought i did.

after that, on the way home and even after going home.. no more tears... perhaps this is the beginning of moving on... perhaps what i needed were just answers to my questions.

i'm ready to move on now. i know i'll be ok. there's nothing wrong with being single anyway. we may or may not get back together, but whatever happen, i know i he helped me grow up. i know i'm not gonna be my old self again.

thanks babsy.